Lunacy
by lyonhearted
Summary: It seems a few of our favorite characters have gone a little loopy...poor Snape...
1. Double Potions With Snape

Lunacy

Snape had to be dreaming. He just had to. There was no way this could actually be happening.

The reason Snape was thinking such thoughts was because he had just seen one of his Slytherins enter the Great Hall. Draco Malfoy, to be precise. And Malfoy seemed to be dressed-there was no other word for it- _ghetto_. He was decked out in sweats, stunner shades, and so much gold, it was amazing he didn't collapse to the floor.

_My god, is that metal in his mouth?!?!_ Snape thought disgustedly as Malfoy flashed his grill at the Head Table. The teacher resigned himself to the fact that one of his students had evidently gone insane. He left to his dungeons before he could see the other interesting arrivals at the Gryffindor table.

Meanwhile, down at the dungeons, Severus Snape was preparing for his first class, double potions with Gryffindor and Slytherin. He groaned when he remembered Malfoy's odd attire, but his mood brightened as always at the thought of two hours tourturing Potter.

Minutes later, the first students started filing in. The very first, of course, was Hermoine Granger. Snape glanced at her once, then looked back down at his papers. Then looked back up again. His jaw dropped when he realized that Mr. Malfoy wasn't the only crazy teenager at Hogwarts.

Granger was dressed in all black. Black shoes, black hair(still bushy), black eyeliner, black pants, and a black long-sleeved shirt. She looked at him and said, "I feel no happiness."

Snape rolled his eyes, and, deciding to humor her, said dryly, "Yeah, me niether. Now sit down."

Hermoine sat down, and hurriedly started writing in her diary, muttering incoherently. Shaking his head, Snape returned to grading his papers.

The next person to come in was Draco Malfoy. Malfoy crimp-walked over to his seat, and started rapping to himself. Snape asked snappishly, "Mr. Malfoy, why are you wearing such ridiculous clothing?"

"Yo, don' be hatin'!" Malfoy said indignantly.

Snape blinked, and said, "Indeed." Not knowing what to do, Snape did what he did with Granger: he ignored it.

Next to arrive was Potter and Weasley. Snape was once again forced to admit they might be running a looney bin instead of a school for wizardry. Potter was wearing torn up, filthy clothing, and was hiding something that looked suspiciously like a butcher knife under his shirt. His eye was twitching, and he was muttering obscenities under his breath. Weasley, however, topped the cake for weirdest outfit. He was wearing a denim miniskirt and a pink tanktop, along with some badly smeared lipstick and bled-out mascera.

Snape, in a severely strained voice, asked, "_What_ on _earth_ are you _wearing_? And what's wrong with Potter?"

Ron laughed and announced in a falsely high voice, "Well, I am now identifying as a woman. I have now come to terms with the fact that I was born as the wrong gender, and I will soon be getting an operation to complete the process. And Harry, well, he fell off his broom a few too many times, the poor dear."

Harry snarled and started chewing on his wand.

Snape twitched imperceptibly, and said, "Well, sit down then."

Pretty soon, the rest of the class filed in, not one of them paying attention to the oddly dressed teens among them.

Snape soon realized that it wasn't as fun messing with Potter when he kept barking at you when you insulted him. Also, Malfoy decided to belt out lyrics to Eminem's "Real Slim Shady" every ten seconds.

Snape asked, "Now, what is the most important ingredient in the Draught of Living Death?"

Granger answered, in a monotone voice, "The complex nature of human suffering?"

"No! Does anyone have a logical answer? Potter! Put the knife DOWN!"

Potter obliged, if a bit reluctantly, having been about to stab Longbottom.

"My lip gloss is poppin', my lip gloss is cool, all the boys keep jockin', they-"

"Mr. Weasley! CEASE AND DESIST!"

"YOUR MOM!", screamed Potter, and he cackled madly.

With a sigh, Snape said, "Miss Granger, will you please come up here?"

When Granger got up, Malfoy whistled and said, "Man, I'd love to tap that ass."

Granger burst into tears, and Ron got up, smacked Malfoy across the face, and said, "You BITCH!", storming out of the room.

Snape placed his head in his hands as Granger started cutting herself and Potter burst into maniacal laughter, the rest of the class not paying the least bit of attention to the spectacle in front of them.

Snape tiredly pulled a bottle of vodka out from under his desk.

Malfoy spotted this and said, "Yo! Hit me up!"

Snape roared, "Malfoy! SHUT UP!" He slammed the bottle of vodka on his desk with a loud bang.

Potter screamed loudly, diving off his chair, and screeched, "I'M HIT!"

_Complete and utter lunacy_, thought Snape.

Thankfully, the bell had just rung, causing the devil children to leave him pondering his thoughts.

Narrowing his eyes, he thought _I wonder if Dumbledore knows anything about this_.

Snape stood up and strode out of the room. He needed to have a chat with the Headmaster.


	2. Dumbledore's New Look

CH 2

Severus approached Dumbledore's office with hundreds of questions whirring around his head.

"Licorice wand," he spat at the gargoyle, and he climbed up the staircase and burst through the door. OH. MY. GOD.

Dumbledore's office was entirely redecorated. Every surface was covered in glitter, rainbows, peace signs, and _flowers_. A disco ball was shimmering overhead, and 70's music was blaring from a muggle radio in the corner.

**I thought electronic devices didn't work at Hogwarts**Snape mused, shocked at this new…development. He said as much to Dumbledore, who replied merrily, "Magic!"

Severus mentally smacked himself on the forehead and observed Dumbledore's apparel for the first time. The headmaster was wearing bell-bottomed jeans, a flowing tunic, and-at this Snape gagged-a wretchedly PURPLE flower behind his ear. His beard and hair were braided, and he was humming "Dancing Queen" under his breath.

The potions master exhaled and said to himself **Okay, five insane people at Hogwarts. No problem**

"You wished to see me, Severus?" Dumbledore asked curiously.

Snape was about to reply when McGonagall flounced in, giggling, "Oh Al, I just LOVED the new robes-" She spotted Severus and squealed, "SEVVIE! So nice to see you! Did you do something with your hair?"

Snape closed his mouth and said to her silently, **No, but you sure have**.

And she certainly had. Her hair was down in curls and **platinum blond**. Her makeup was plastered all over her face, and her clothes were so skimpy they made Severus blush. McGonagall batted her eyelashes and simpered, "Oh, Sev, do you want to go to the Three Broomstick's and grab a butterbeer? I'm sure we could-"

"NO-I mean, no thank-you, I have some…potions to brew. Sorry."

McGonagall looked disappointed, but brightened and said, "Oh, well, maybe another time. Anyways, Alby, thank you for the robes. They TOTALLY mach my eyes." She turned to Severus and said, "Toodles!", flouncing back out the way she came.

"Severus? SEV?" Dumbledore snapped his fingers in front of Snape's shocked face. He blinked confusedly.

"Erm…never mind. It was nothing."

"Well then, have a groovy day!" said Dumbledore cheerily. He clapped his hands and a dance floor appeared in the middle of the office. A song started playing at ear-crushing decibles.

OH-OH-OH...

EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, THOSE JERKS WERE FAST AS LIGHTNING- 

Snape backed up slowly and blurted, "Oh y-yes, I better get going. Got lots of potions to brew."

IN FACT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT FRIGHT'NING, BUT THEY FOUGHT WITH EXPERT TIMING-

"WHAT?" shouted Dumbledore

"I SAID, I-" Snape broke off when he saw Dumbledore start to breakdance.

**Something's going to break, and it isn't the dance**

Severus practically ran out of Dumbledore's office and down to the dungeons. He sprinted to the doorway and locked his door with the strongest charm he could think of. The potions master sat down behind his desk and stared at the locked door in shock.

How could everyone get nuttier than a Snickers bar at the SAME TIME? And most importantly, who ELSE had gone completely bonkers? Snape shuddered at the thought.

Snape mulled these thoughts in his head until he saw the previously abandonded vodka bottle. He thought about it for a moment, and then said, "Well, a few drinks wouldn't hurt."


	3. The Teacher's Lounge

Lunacy ch3

Severus woke to a tapping noise that aggravated his already ferocious headache, no doubt due to his indulgence of liquor. He blearily opened his eyes and noted that it had only been a few hours since he passed out.

The tapping noise persisted, and Snape turned to the window to find that the source of this noise was an owl. He stumbled over to the window and relieved the bird of its letter.

Severus scanned the contents of this letter, which was as follows:

Dear Severus,

There will be a Heads of House meeting in the teacher's lounge at 5:00 p.m. Please do not be late. Peace out, brother.

Albus Dumbledore

Snape groaned at the announcement As if Mr. Flower Child would have anything remotely important to talk about. He would rather be placed under the Cruciatus curse than go to this meeting.

_Hmmm_, thought Snape, _what's the worst that could happen if I don't show up?_

He glanced at the clock offhandedly, and much to his dismay discovered that the meeting would be taking place in fifteen minutes. _That doesn't give me much of a choice, now does it?_

The potions master made his way to the teacher's lounge reluctantly, making it plain that he wasn't there voluntarily.

As soon as Snape opened the door, he lost all traces of sanity he had left.

Albus Dumbledore, in his Crayola Storm of an outfit, raised his hands and greeted Severus warmly. "Ah, so he has finally arrived!"

Snape idly noticed McGonagall waving flirtatiously and fluttering her eyelashes. He was not, however, prepared for Flitwick and Sprout's display of insanity.

Flitwick was dressed in almost Hagrid-like clothes, although much smaller. He had a small sword sheathed on his waist, and a bronze helmet on his head. He was muttering under his breath vhelmently.

Sprout was wearing a bright yellow cheerleader's uniform and was jumping up and down, chanting a cheer that went, "A-T-T-A-C-K the badgers lead the pack, A-T-T-A-C-K , attack attck ATTACK!"

Dumbledore frowned at her good-naturedly and said lucidly, "Make love, not war."

Snape cleared his throat and stated, "Now, about this meeting-"

Flitwick jumped on top of his chair and squeaked, "We must destroy the ring! THE RING!"

Snape stared at him as though he was crazy (which, he reminded himself, Flitwick probably was), but the others in the room were nodding thoughtfully.

"You can't possibly believe this rubbish!" Severus exclaimed exasperatedly.

"Thoust dare insult thy good name?" Flitwick shouted, and drew his sword threateningly.

Sprout started to cheer Flitwick on, chanting,

"Kill, kill,

Maim, hate,

Murder-mangle-mutilate!"

"AAAARRRRGGGGGGG!" Snape screamed, and he fled the Teachers Lounge as though the hounds of hell were at his heels.

Meanwhile, two redheaded twins hiding behind a tapestry were snickering heartily after hearing the exchange.

"Merlin! That Hallucination Potion was brilliant!" Fred exclaimed.

"Too bad it wears off in the morning," George said sadly.

"Oh well. At least we got pictures." The twins' faces broke out into identical grins. They got up from their hiding place and strolled up to their common room, feeling very staisfied.

FIN

A/N- Oh, I don't own "Lord of The Rings", if you catch that reference.


	4. Epilogue

Epilogue Epilogue

Snape snapped his eyes open, jumping up in bed. He looked around frantically, relaxing only slightly when he realized he was in his quarters. He crept cautiously to the door, and peered around the doorframe to the hallway outside. Not seeing any abnormalities, he breathed a sigh of relief and dressed for his first class. 

When Severus reached the door to the classroom, he took a moment to compose himself. He boldly strode into the classroom, and the whispers quieted immediately. Just like usual. 

As Snape reached his desk, he turned around and realized that nothing was out of place. No rappers, no transgenders, no psychopaths. Nothing. It was quite disconcerting. All of the aforementioned were sitting quietly at their desks, drawing the graphs of the potions they were supposed to be working on.

Very strange. Severus almost laughed at the thought that nothing weird happening could be thought of as odd. He pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind as he announced a pop quiz amidst the familiar groans of the students. 

Snape encountered no strange phenomena as the day went on, and by dinner he was back to his usual, snarky self. Dumbledore was still respectable, MgGonagall was still a prude, and the students were still spineless. Everything seemed to be back to normal.

Little did Severus know that the Weasley twins were lying in wait, plotting their next scheme on the unfortunate potions master…


	5. Author's Note

A/N-

If you liked this story, then be sure to read the sequel, _Lunacy 2:Welcome To The Dark Side_.

That's all for now, folks! Thank you for reading my spoof, _Lunacy_.

-Lyonhearted


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